Whether or not to join your friends for late-night karaoke. Ricotta pancakes versus eggs Florentine. These are the kinds of choices you'd make on a whim (well okay, sweet versus savory brunch is an existential struggle, in a way). When to have a kid, on the other hand? Presumably, that's something people put more thought into. But I left one of life's biggest decisions up to chance. After my husband Sam and I got married, I simply stopped taking the Pill, assuming it would take at least a year to actually conceive.
When my period didn't come the next month, I figured it was a blip—my body getting adjusted to the shift in hormones or whatever. But then I didn't get it the following month, either. So ironically, while picking up a bottle of wine at the grocery store before a friend's holiday party, I thought, "What the heck, might as well grab a pregnancy test, too—you know, just to be on the safe side." I rushed home to get changed, and I swear you could hear my jaw hit the floor as I watched the stick turn pink.
You’re probably thinking hel-lo, were you not paying any attention in seventh grade sex ed? But I honestly did not believe having a bun in the oven would happen so easily. As a result, an hour later, Sam and I were standing shell-shocked around the appetizer table, talking in hushed voices and covertly checking our phones to find out whether smoked salmon, Roquefort, and fois gras are fetus-approved indulgences. (Answer: Nope. I stuck to crackers and cranberry juice all evening.)
Yet despite feeling like the ground had temporarily come out from underneath me, I was also kind of happy that getting knocked up happened in the fortuitous way it did and hadn't turned into a "project" I'd have to work on, measuring my basal cell temperature and charting my ovulation on a spreadsheet.
Still, even though it worked out for us (our son is now a year old and I'm more head-over-heels every day), I'm not quite sure my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants approach is actually a wise tactic. So I checked in with Daniela Montalta, a clinical psychologist at the NYU Langone Child Studies Center, who told me that how much you prepare really depends on your personality and lifestyle. "For some women, it makes more sense to be open and flexible about timing," she says. "They feel an internal pull toward motherhood, and as long as they have a good support system and are able to handle the financial expenses that come with having a baby, leaving it up to chance works for them. But if you are in a high-stress career, then you want to be more thoughtful about when and how you'll fit a little person into your life."
She explains that if you plan to continue working post-baby, it's important to have a steady job with a company that's supportive of women going on maternity leave. "Knowing that you'll be able to get back into the swing of things can make you less anxious about balancing a career with family life," she says. "Plus, there's the financial piece: Kids are costly, and you need to have enough resources to manage the added expense."
Next, it's important to take your personal goals—from trekking through the Himalayas to seeking an advanced degree—into account before ditching your birth control. "Fulfilling those dreams—or at least having a plan for how you might accomplish them with a family in tow—will make you feel more ready," says Montalto. That's not to say you can't do these things after you start a family, but exploring the Buddhist temples of Nepal with a spastic toddler who only eats yellow foods is going to be, well, a differentexperience.
Finally, Montalto urges women to consider how rooted they feel, both physically and emotionally. "Nesting is a big part of preparing for kids, and being settled in a place where you know you'll be for a while relieves some of the stress of being a new parent," she says. You may not have a clue how to change a diaper or unfold a pack and play, but at least you won't have to be scouring Trulia mid-pumping session.
Being emotionally rooted comes primarily from feeling supported by your partner and knowing you’re on the same page, baby-wise. "You need to have a good method of communication between you to make sure you're both ready," says Montalto. "Having kids will put stress on your relationship, and you want to know that your significant other will be able to handle the pressure and challenges that come along with raising a family."
After talking to Montalto, I realized that even though I didn't sit down and go through a checklist, I had most of the key elements that she pointed out in place already: My husband and I live in a family-friendly Vermont town. I'd had a stressful job in New York, but when we moved I began freelancing, which meant I had plenty of free time to take care of a little one, as well as the ability to manage my own workload. Sam has a good job and is a supportive, hands-on dad who doesn't cringe at changing diapers or complain about 2 a.m. wake-ups. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I felt at ease enough to roll the dice about the exact timing. I had a solid groundwork, and left the rest up to fate.
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