It is not uncommon for men to take up the reins of staying at home, while the wife works. This could happen for reasons ranging from losing a job, being in-between jobs, illness or disability, working from home, or by strict choice for ‘personal’ reasons. Rita Okonoboh and Damola Adeoye examine the perks and drawbacks of the stay-at-home dad situation, drawing inferences from the seemingly ‘unAfricaness’ of this trend.
Families may find themselves in this situation at some point in their marital journey. Considering the nature of families, especially in the African setting, to frown upon the stay-at-home dad situation, the couple can find ways to douse the tensions that may crop up, especially regarding the common saying that the man is the head of the home. It becomes important for the couple to learn how to properly cope, understanding the insinuations of external influences, focus on remaining united and eventually making the best of the circumstances, with reference to the male individuality and the female sensitivity.
‘Accept, accommodate and find ways to mitigate the problem’
Once a ‘househusband’ at some point in his life, Dr Adekunle Owodunni, lecturer, Department of Guidance and Counselling, University of Ibadan, in an interview with Sunday Tribune, admits that it could indeed be a difficult thing if not well managed, especially given the egocentric nature of African men. He added, however, that “the fact that men are egocentric is not particular to Africa; it is global. There is the tendency for a woman who finds herself as the one responsible for the provision of finance for the running of the home to see herself as king and in the words of Chinua Achebe, “when things fall apart, the centre can no longer hold.” As such, the woman should be willing to show an intense sense of humility but not to the point of appearing to make a mockery of the situation. There should be a level of understanding and encouragement.
‘Whatever she spends on the family, she should write down...’
Dr Owodunni further advised men in such situation to understand that Nigeria is an enormously blessed country and that except one was looking for government work, there are a lot of opportunities to make money. In his view, men in such situations should accept, accommodate and find ways of mitigating the problem. According to him, “the man should, in fact, tell the wife that the burden of responsibility she’s bearing is temporary and that whatever she spends on the family, she should write down, that he’ll refund all when he’s buoyant.” Dr Owodunni admonished men to put things in order, contact people, friends and let the wife know he’s making efforts.
Recounting his experience, when as a lecturer with a doctoral degree at the state university, the Ogun State government sent him and some of his colleagues packing, the don who lectures creativity, gave a hint of how he survived the period. In his words: “I went to Ijebu, bought bags of garri and began re-packaging it. I would suit up and sell to people, telling them the nutrients contained in the garri.”
‘Refrain from using abusive words or labelling him lazy’
Women are advised not to become domineering simply because they run the home. They should rather be supportive of their husbands, refrain from using abusive words or labelling him lazy. Such women can also use their connections to get him another job. They should realise the situation is temporary and suggest prayer avenues and ways and methods of making money legally.” Women can also go a step further by contributing to easing the burden of house chores and also find time to spend with the family, in spite of busy schedules.
Relatives shouldn’t get involved
Relatives shouldn’t make the matter worse by making all sorts of negative insinuations. Though the couple will show love to their extended family, they shouldn’t accept unnecessary involvement. Problems like that are better handled strictly by the husband and the wife.
Prudency is key
Dr. Owodunni advised men not to eat with all their fingers; they should rather save for the rainy day. “A little saving today may be handy tomorrow,” he submitted.
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