Communication is key in relationships, which means the words you use when communicating matters a lot. Criticism is communicating your concerns about an issue between you and your partner, which is aimed at making your partner look wrong or make them feel lesser than they are, which automatically puts them on the defensive. Complaining is a better way of communicating your concerns to your partner without attaking them and getting to listen to you without putting up a fight.
Ravid Yosef of YourTango lists 3 smart ways couples can approach complaining without criticizing:
- Complain Without Blame: This may seem impossible to do when you're mad at someone for doing something. After all, they are doing it, right? But blame is at the forefront of every criticism. Be sure to complain or express frustration at the situation, instead of pointing fingers or blaming your partner.
- Focus On Solutions: We tend to focus more on what we don't like, than what we actually need from our partners when we communicate and that can lead to criticism. Communicate a solution for the issue in your complaint so that your partner is clear on your needs. Encourage a different behavior with positive affirmations. As S. Parker said, "People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be."
- Respond Constructively: If your partner is the one doing the criticizing, don't automatically get defensive. Let them know that you are happy to address their concern, but that you will need them to communicate their needs so that a solution is found in a more constructive way that encourages change rather than harbors resentment.
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