If there is a vacancy for Ms Right in your love life, or if you need a painless exit strategy, then welcome to 2dunspread sexual HR department. We've used the principles of hiring and firing to help you find the most talented candidate (and avoid any nasty grievance claims)….
1. Advertising the role
If you're recruiting someone in your love life, use the rules of business to land your perfect partner. After all, headhunters have refined the art of finding the person you really want. “Clients may think they have an image of their ideal candidate and go to the market looking for exactly that, but we tell them all the time, ‘I don’t think that’s what you want,’” says recruitment specialist Charlie Ryan.
Scrutinise the rationale behind your list of ‘need-to-haves’ and ‘nice-to-haves’. If you’ll only consider 5ft 10in blondes with a penchant for high hemlines and loose morals, you’re not necessarily wrong. But you’ll see far fewer applicants sashaying through your door. And you’ll have to do the job yourself in the meantime.
2. Attracting candidates
Sometimes, outstanding talent knocks on your door unsolicited. But even if you’re not currently in the market for a new girlfriend, it’s worth being open to her overtures. You never know when a vacancy might arise, after all.
Recruitment consultant David Chappell says: “We tell our clients to keep their eyes and ears open to anyone making waves in the industry,” he says. “If someone’s stock is on the rise, make sure you get in there first.”
Once you’ve introduced yourself, watch how she reacts. “If she creates situations for you to help her – holding an empty glass, say – she’s hinting that she’s interested,” explains Dr Max Blumberg, a psychologist at Goldsmith’s University. What better excuse to keep a close eye on her body language?
3. Screening applications
According to a 2011 survey by research consultancy Inventium, 68% of us stretch the truth in interviews in order to portray ourselves in a better light. Equally, when it comes to confessing her level of experience in the bedroom, she is likely to be sugar-coating her past.
“Most women are excellent at hiding their sexual history because they perceive that guys prefer non-promiscuous women,” says Blumberg. “Generally, they are right.”
If this is a concern, speak to a male friend of hers before things get too serious. “Men are more likely to understand what information you’re after and will be far more willing to pass it on than her female friends, who will be inclined to paint her as a paragon of virginity.”
4. Probationary period
Of course you enjoyed the first few months and all the strings-free sex that came with them. But occasionally it doesn’t work out. Even those burning brightest with potential and initial energy to blow all your performance targets can lose their lustre.
“If you’re just after a sexual relationship and she’s not, it will be over the moment you tell her. Therefore, if that’s your intention, you’re probably better off not saying anything,” warns Blumberg. On the other hand, if you decide not to take things further and you don’t want to put your reputation on the line, then at least lie about your real reasons for ending things.
“Tell her that you don’t feel good enough for her or that you’re still not fully over an ex,” says Blumberg. “She’s won’t believe you of course, but it’s a hell of a lot better than telling her she’s not worth more to you than sex.” And, whatever the circumstances, give her a good reference – bad-mouthing her won’t reflect well on you.
5. Appraisals
Give the right feedback at the correct moment and you will be rewarded with more of what you want, exactly how you want it. “The best time to schedule in a performance review is immediately after a good performance,” says management consultant at HSBC Lewis Guest, who specialises in risk analysis.
In the 60 minutes after sex, her system is flooded with oxytocin, the hormone that promotes human psychological bonding. That’s your cue to tell her what she’s doing right and what you’d like to try in the future.
“She will link positively-phrased feedback with the longevity of your relationship as a result of her hormonal levels, making her more invested in meeting your requests,” says Blumberg. Remember that your ‘afterglow’ lasts five minutes or less, so fight the urge to postpone the appraisal until after some refreshments.
6. Grievances
It can start with something seemingly trivial – a sarcastic aside about her BFF, or a casual quip about her choice of attire. But once she’s upset, things can quickly escalate. Major companies enlist the help of third party professionals, such as mediator David Liddle, whose clients include BT and M&S. Not yet at DEFCON 5? Follow Liddle's 'triple-D' strategy to put an end to grievances without the need for any written warnings.
DISTRACT “Break the cycle of attack and counter attack by making a cup of tea. First, it gives you both breathing space to reflect. Then when you sit down to talk, you’re at eye level. It all helps the adrenaline to dissipate.”
DEBRIEF “Give her a jolly good listening to. Then start to reframe negative language into positive. If she says, ‘This won’t change,’ ask what she needs to happen differently for her to feel better. It’s a simple but crucial psychological trick.”
DEPERSONALISE “Concentrate on the issues – or, in football parlance, play the ball, not the man. Once you’ve tackled the problem at hand, make a positive move such as taking her out for dinner or to the cinema.”
7. Firing
In employment law, you need to offer your employee the chance to rectify a situation before you can sack them. And while we’re not suggesting a full-scale disciplinary hearing in your relationship, this can be a useful strategy when trying to assess whether or not you can work through a problem. If you do decide you’ve got to let her go, use employment law consultant Tara Daynes’ advice to make sure the end is as painless as possible.
Don't even think about constructive dismissal
Trying to manipulate her into leaving of her own volition is cowardly. “That’s when you end up with messy claims of unfair dismissal. Some people will give up and go quietly, but some won’t go down without a fight.”
Do expect at least one more convesation
“She probably won’t take in most of what you say, so wait until she’s calmer before going into more detail. It’s about making sure she’s got realistic expectations – and that one of them isn’t that you’ll take her back.”
Don't give her false hoope about the future
“Give a reason: she’s not right for the role, you don’t work well together. Make it a statement of fact: then there’s less scope for a discussion because it’s much harder for someone to challenge your position.”
8. Holiday entitlement
Just as you get 25 days’ leave from work, you also need time out from your relationship. Social psychologist Dr Terri Orbuch followed 373 married couples over a 25-year period and found that, where they were unhappy, the reason was twice as likely to be lack of time alone [11.5%] as a poor sex life [6%].
A ‘holiday’ from a relationship is key: “When partners have their own set of interests and friends, it makes them happier and less bored,” she says. The trick is in how to ask for it, without triggering any paranoia. “Don’t just say, ‘I need space’. Be specific – tell her why more space will make you happy. Don’t keep secrets, enjoy the time and don’t feel guilty.”
9. Bonuses
Performance-based bonuses are always well-received, but if you pay out too much there’s a risk that the supply of Louboutins will be all she’s interested in. Instead, think on an emotional level, not a financial one.
“It’s good for someone senior to be seen going out of their way now and then,” says Guest. It’s exactly the same at home. “Doing something for her that you don’t particularly like doing is a combination of effort, selflessness and forethought.”
Not a keen cook? An impromptu meal will work wonders. “It might feel mundane, but it stimulates the same psychological region that makes a woman flirt with you in the first place,” says Blumberg. Save the new heels for 14 Feb.
10. Promotion
Finally, if you think she has the right skill set to keep your love and sex life in profit for years to come, then consider making her a permanent offer. “High-level employees generally receive years of screening,” says Newberry. “But firms should be assessing a candidate’s ability to move to the top from the very first interview.” It’s worth considering advancing her sooner rather than later.
Married men earn 22% more than single colleagues according to a Virginia Commonwealth University study and experience faster promotions at work. Research in The Lancet found that married couples have more sex, too. Which, all things considered, is an investment worth banking on.
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