8 THINGS MEN THINK WHILE GOING DOWN ON YOU...

The high-functioning part of a man’s brain basically shuts down the minute your pants come off. It’s not that we don’t think; our thoughts just become, well, simple. Naked woman. Must touch. But that changes when we go down on you because, suddenly, we have a goal. We need a strategy. And we need to silence the me, me, me part of our brains long enough to make you feel totally happy with your decision to get into bed with us. In that moment, here’s what your guy is likely to be thinking.

1. Is That It?

A man’s penis is easy to find. It’s all up in your face like a new Beyoncé song. But your clitoris? It’s more like an original-press Beatles album on vinyl. The early stuff, no less. You can spend hours in a record shop, flipping through the wrong piles. Then suddenly...there it is! Hallelujah!

2. Whoa. Great Angle.

It’s underboob city down here. You look fantastic. We’d be happy to snap some pictures if you’d like.  

3. Oh, No. It’s Stubble.

Those little one-sixteenth-inch hairs? They hurt. Don’t get us wrong—we’re still happy to be down here. But if you think about it before our next hook-up, a shave would be nice. Or maybe a wax? If that’s not your style, just grow it out a little so your pubes don’t feel like sandpaper.

4. I Sure Hope This Pays Off in a Blowjob.

One giveth and one receiveth, right? Right?!

5. Wait...Was That an Orgasm?

Again with the mystery! When guys get off, you know it. First there’s the battle cry, and then there’s the stain on the sheets. But with women—most women, anyway—a man can never be totally positive. Plus, we hear you’re prone to faking it. We hope you’re being sincere this time.

6. So, Um, Am I Done Here?

If you didn’t get off, you’re going to let us know when we’re done, right? We don’t want to fall short on our oral duties, but as soon as you’re ready to move on, we are, too. Just let us know, okay?

7. Or Maybe We Should Turn This Party Into a 69.

Actually, it’s okay if you want to keep us down here for a while. But the longer we’re buried between your legs, the more antsy we get for some action of our own. So if you’re not ready to move on, let’s just split the workload. That’s teamwork.

8. Oh, No. Tongue Cramp.

Stall! Bring in the hand! Flex the jaw! No no, we’re fine. Thanks for asking. Now back to work.