1. "Are you on your period?"
Response: "No, but I know a thing or two about what makes a person bleed" *flashes fingernails*.
2. "Why aren't you smiling?"
Response: "Because you're talking to me."
3. "You're just upset." As in, he is creating a rational argument with his man-brain, but you are creating an irrational argument with your ~*CrAzY* lady emotions!
4. "Why don't you go buy something/get your nails done/have wine with your girlfriends so you can calm down."
Response: "I am calm but I'll still take your credit card and go have fun. Thanks, bye."
5. "Stop acting crazy."
Response: "Oh, this isn't crazy, but if you'd like to see crazy, I could smash your cell phone right now."
6. "You're being a bitch."
Response: "And?"
7. "You're still reading that trash?" As though reading Fifty Shades of Grey is the equivalent of having one's brain removed.
Response: "You're still watching football?"
8. Referring to you as "sweetheart" when you've either just met or don't have any sort of personal or romantic relationship. Or as though he's your boss.
Response: "Actually, I think [insert male you both know here] has warmer feelings for you than I do. Why don't you call him 'sweetheart' and see how that works out?"
9. "You throw/run/box/[insert physical activity here] like a girl."
Response: "You mean I do it 'better than you'? Then yeah, I guess I do play like a girl."
10. Mansplaining anything. Like what pico de gallo is, or, when you tell him your job, he offers you all of his poorly informed thoughts on your industry, which he fancies himself an expert on because he read a single article about it in The Economist three weeks ago.
Response: "I hear you can pick up a mansplaining suppressant in a lot of stores these days. It's called 'duct tape' and it just goes right over your mouth."
11. Catcalling.
Response: Yell "fuck you" if he is across the street. Flip him off as you are walking away if he is in closer proximity. Note: This will cause the catcaller to call you a "fucking bitch" or tell you to "die in the street, you whore," but that's because he is a street-harassing asshole.
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