Most people question at one point or another, ‘Am I in a healthy relationship?’ ‘Is my partner right for me?’ ‘Are our fights normal?’ ‘Are we really happy together?’
The answer is unique to each relationship, but one thing almost always universally true is that every couple goes through tough times. Even the best of matches have their trying times. People aren’t perfect, so naturally, neither are relationships.
However, when the bad starts to outweigh the good and one begins to see real incompatibilities that are hard to reconcile, one may wonder, ‘am I in a toxic relationship?’ Below are some clues to help you find out if you might be in a toxic relationship and some tips on what you can do if you are.
Identifying a toxic relationship
A toxic relationship is often characterised by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between couples. These patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection.
However, one common theme in toxic relationships involves the partners’ intense attraction towards each other, despite the pain they cause themselves. This is apparent with a couple who have entered into “fantasy bonds”, a term developed by psychologist and author, Dr. Robert Firestone, to describe “an illusion of connection created between two people that helps alleviate their individual fears by forging a false sense of connection. A fantasy bond is toxic to a relationship because it replaces real feelings of love and support with a desire to fuse identities and operate as a unit. As the couple relates as a “we” instead of a “you” and “me” their relationship becomes more about form (based on appearances and roles) than substance (based on genuine feeling and authenticity).”
Specific behaviours have toxic effects on relationships: Being selfish or demanding, behaving as if you have power over your partner; Acting out the role of parent or child, by showing submission or dominance; Using emotional coercion or manipulation to get what you want; Denying your own or your partner’s separateness or individuality, instead seeking a merged identity; Confusing real love with desperation or emotional hunger; Refusing to act in kind ways with actions your partner would perceive as loving.
Wound up in a toxic relationship
There are psychological maneuvers that are toxic to an intimate relationship. All of them work to undermine the possibility of having a loving relationship by repeating negative relationship changes from the past.
One maneuver involves selection where a person picks a partner who is wrong from the start. When you do this, you choose someone who reminds you of figures from the past or with whom you can replay scenarios from your developmental years. You may select who has similar qualities to family members or other early attachment figures that were mistuned to you. For instance, if you had a parent who was passive and held back emotionally, you might seek out a partner who is more allusive or cold.
Conversely, you may choose someone who is overbearing with wild mood swings. Either way, you are ignoring the qualities that really matter to you in the present, instead basing your selection on old and destructive relationships. You may then relate to your partner in a similar way you related to childhood figures, thus recreating painful relationships with complicated, yet all too familiar outcomes.
When a person selects a partner who is different from early attachment figures, and establishes a close and meaningful relationship, there are other maneuvers that can still turn their loving relationship toxic. Another maneuver is distortion; where a person distorts their partner to see him or her as being like a familiar figure from the past. When this is operating, you perceive your partner as having negative traits that are similar to those of people from your early life.
In actuality, the very qualities you were drawn to in your partner may begin to challenge negative views of yourself, forcing you to see yourself or your relationship in different ways, from a positive and compassionate perspective. As a reaction against this, you may distort your partner to fit in with old, familiar patterns from your childhood and respond as you did then.
How to handle toxic relationships
According to a marriage counselor, Pastor M.K. Adeyemo, on how to restructure a toxic relationship, “jealousy does a lot of harm to the relationship and makes it difficult to develop trust. As such, the couple should try to cope with each other because they are not from the same womb so they cannot expect to have the same character. There should be understanding
“Love is very important. Communication must be regular to ensure that they know much about themselves. It is also important for the couple to imbibe patience.
“The couple should learn from previous mistakes and believe that the relationship will go on fine. They should also be prayerful.”
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