Of recent a number of youngsters have killed their parents. The trend is somewhat strange to our culture. So why are some Nigerian youngsters turning on their parents?
On the surface, the issues are often trivial: disagreements over household chores, poor grades in school, missing items, differences in opinion and so on, but I believe there are underlying fundamental issues.
Our starting point is what was the childhood of these troubled youngsters like? Was it normal or dysfunctional? Are they from stable homes or broken homes? Was enough parental attention paid to them in their formative stages or were they left alone to plot the graphs of their lives and connect the dots? Are their actions predominantly nature-driven or nurture-driven?
You cannot overemphasize the importance of the first 10 years of a child’s life. A recent experience has driven that point into my inner recesses. That is when the character foundation is laid.
It takes enormous efforts and the grace of God to restore and repair what is damaged in those first 10 years. Parental hard work should continue into adolescence and by the time children get into their twenties, parental influence should diminish to advisory under normal circumstances.
How do parents relate with their grown-up children? I believe that the rules of engagement should have been made in the early stages, based on the family’s core values. These rules, like principles, must be able to withstand scrutiny and stand the test of time. Over time parents should legitimately earn their children’s trust and respect. Problems lie ahead when children obey their parents from an early stage because of fear of sanctions only. What will happen when the pendulum swings and the balance of power shifts? Many children from age 15 look like giants and tower above their parents. Some cannot only give their parents a good fight, but beat both parents combined silly. If in the early stages you used a cane to get respect and obedience from them, are you still going to tell them to surrender themselves for flogging in later stages?
Talking about flogging, the Bible says if we spare the rod we spoil the child. With modernism, flogging of children has become a very contentious issue. Many people contend that it is barbaric and an anomaly to keep a cane in the house. “Are you rearing goats here,” a visitor once asked his host on sighting a cane in the sitting room. I am a firm believer in “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Whether it is at home or in the school, I love the way children suddenly comport themselves when they see a cane, but my understanding of the biblical rod goes beyond a physical cane.
For me, it connotes discipline, “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour.” So the issue really is whether or not a cane should be part of the tools used in this training.
Among those who believe in flogging a child, where do you draw the line between discipline and cruelty? We have seen cases of multiple lacerations on the skins of children. This is cruel and unacceptable. There should be no place for cruelty in our modern world to a being not to talk of human beings and minors for that matter. Parents must know where discipline ends and cruelty begins. In addition, at what stage does flogging stop? I saw a man telling his 20-year-old son to submit himself for flogging. Honestly I found it ridiculous.
What about verbal flogging? This too has its downside. How do you verbally discipline a child without destroying his self-esteem or emotions? Wisdom, restraint and caution are very important.
The Bible warns us about driving our children to resentment. Children’s ways might be in conflict with the ways of parents, but parents must be very careful and learn to strike the delicate balance between discipline and driving their children to resentment. I saw one diminutive mother jumping up and slapping his six-foot-plus son repeatedly, in spite of the son’s warnings that she should stop. I wondered why the mother was engaging in such a suicidal adventure. Even if she is eager to die, must she make her son culpable?
Next, what do you do if your child who is now a young adult but still under your roof wants to live by his own rules which are contrary to yours, his benefactors? Allow him have his way or put your foot down? I believe young adults need bigger latitude to operate and a huge dose of respect from their parents, but “he who pays the piper dictates the tune.” Unless you want chaos, only one set of rules operates in a home.
Young people need to imbibe the virtue of patience. Life is a building. You lay one block at a time and over time, it comes together. This microwave-oven mentality to become a Tony Elumelu or an Aliko Dangote overnight is behind some of these killings. Youngsters collude with criminal elements to kidnap or rob parents and grandparents.
Some kill parents and grandparents for rituals, while some have killed their mothers because of the erroneous belief that their mothers are responsible for their often imaginary woes in life.
On a final note, parents, especially fathers, must refrain from engaging in fisticuffs with their children. It is not only shameful; it can easily end in disaster. Many middle-aged men have fitness challenges and cannot last the distance in a fight, so they stand little chance against their grown-up sons, even if they are physically stronger and more experienced. They might end up being beaten to death or dying from exhaustion. If they survive the fight, ego comes in; no man wants to be disgraced. They might end up shooting or stabbing their children to death or vice versa. It must not come to that.
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