No matter how shocked you feel by a breakup, your ex most likely sent a few distress signals before she kicked you to the curb. “People really disengage when a relationship is about to end,” explains John Gottman, Ph.D., an expert in divorce prediction and author of What Makes Love Last? “Women try to let men know that they’re not happy.”
That means you have a chance to salvage your relationship before she totally checks out—as long as you’re adept at picking up on her cues: On average, women decide to call it quits after just 6 days of deliberation, according to a survey bySheLeft.Me, a breakup site for men. Translation: You need to act fast when you spot these signs of relationship trouble.
1. She criticizes your grammar when you fight.
Imagine this scenario: In the middle of a fight, you declare, “I could care less”—and rather than trying to understand your angst, your partner smugly replies, “Actually, you should say, ‘Icouldn’t care less.’” She's not just being a grammar Nazi, Gottman says. “She’s saying it from a superior place. It’s an attempt to make you small and meaningless.”
This kind of condescension is a classic sign of contempt—the number one predictor of early divorce in Gottman’s research. “It’s a really acidic, destructive way of eating away a person’s self-esteem,” he says. Even if her words aren't scathing, you can see scorn all over her face: The signature expression is pulling the left corner of the mouth to one side, creating a dimple, often with an eye roll for extra effect.
2. She consistently cheats on your Netflix shows.
Your nightly Netflix ritual is about more than Mad Men. It’s about the two of you as a team, says Monica Lieser, a licensed marriage and family therapist. And that kind of connection breeds contentment: “When couples invest in creating and maintaining rituals, they have more longevity,” she says. So when your little habits—whether it’s a walk every night after dinner, or calling each other on your lunch break—start to dissolve, you lose a critical part of your bond. “A shared experience all of a sudden starts to feel like a chore,” she says. “The engagement somehow doesn’t feel good anymore.”
3. She makes sweeping generalizations about you.
“You always come home late” is a much weightier accusation than “You didn’t put the dishes away last night.” This kind of global criticism—marked by words like "always" and "never"—is a serious predictor of a split, according to Gottman’s research. (Another classic line: “What’s wrong with you?”) “The reason it’s so harmful is that it’s so non-specific,” he says. “It’s really damning the entire character and personality of the partner.” The result: You just feel attacked—which rarely, if ever, leads to a productive conversation about the relationship.
4. When you voice your concerns, she only gets defensive.
Relationship troubles go both ways—which means both of you will occasionally have to own up to screwing up. Unfortunately, defensiveness is a more natural reaction. And it’s a destructive one. “It takes two forms. One is the counterattack—I’m going to attack you 10 times harder than you attacked me,” says Gottman. “The other form is acting like an innocent victim, whining as you’re talking. Why are you picking on me? What about all the good stuff I do?” If your partner can’t ever admit to her mistakes, she’s placing the weight of the relationship entirely on your shoulders. And you can’t sustain that.
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