According to the source: As in my situation my ex started dating someone else and went into a new relationship just 2 months after we broke up. I experienced this should take a different approach as I am still in love with her and would still take her back. (But not by all means!)
Even if you think all hope is gone there is always a chance that your paths could cross someday in the future. There is never a 100% guarantee but you can minimize the mistakes and maximize the possibilities if you ever want to take a shot in the long haul. Keep in mind that you will not be together in the near future and you have a long and bumpy road ahead. Do not stare yourself blind to only 1 option as it would only hurt you even more in the end.
First of all, when would you call and classify it as a rebound relationship?
This concept is hard to explain because every situation is unique and so is every person but in overall you can sum some specifications:
A rebound relationship is often explained as a relationship to soften the pain or to suppress the emotions from a past relationship. These relationships start soon after a broken relationship because the person is suddenly missing intimacy and the daily routine. They need to fill the void and in some cases these persons are not really in love with this new person, they can feel the butterflies but this could be something temporarily. In the so called honeymoon stage (4-6 weeks approx) everything seems new and excitening and they will not see each other’s flaws yet. You can call it a rebound relationship when someone is not fully healed from the previous relationship and they will take these issues into their new relationship. These issues will arise later because they are just suppressing it and this could break the rebound relationship or bring it down hill. That said even rebound relationships can last a lifetime if the rebound person hits the right buttons and/or you interfere with this relationship.
Time is essential between the actual breakup and the new (rebound) relationship but this could vary a lot for every situation because;
* In most cases a dumpee needs more time to heal and thus a relationship will most likely be a rebound because they simply are not over the old relationship yet.
* In most cases a dumper heals faster than the dumpee because they had the idea about breaking up several weeks/months before the actual break up. And as they initiated the breakup you can say dumpee’s are more frequently in a rebound instead of dumpers.
* The longer your relationship lasted the longer it takes for a person to heal, simply because the bond was bigger and you share more memories. For example if your relationship lasted for 4 years then you could assume it would take like 8-10 months to recover while 1 year could take 2-4 months to recover. This is just an example as you can never really say how fast each person heals from a broken heart or hurt feelings. Some people just heal faster than others depending on how sensitive they are.
* What was the reason for the breakup? Was it a bad breakup like someone cheated or with a lot of fights? These cases could either decrease or increase the time which is needed to heal depending on the person who is hurt.
* If on the other hand your relationship was rather an intimate one and your breakup did not end so abruptly then it could increase the healing time to get over someone.
If it is a rebound relationship then this relationship could end pretty soon in approx 2-4 months because everything went to fast and the foundations were never stable to build on. Sometimes they do last longer but eventually most of them will break because of unsolved issues or unsuspected feelings. Either the dumper or dumpee will notice it only helped him or her to heal about the previous relationship and there was no real love or the rebound person actually found out he or she is being used to get over someone and they now see issues arising in the relationship and they will dump the dumper instead.
THE DO'S
* Accept their new date or lover and just say something like “I am happy for you and wish you the best in your new relationship” as they will not expect you to accept it and they could try to make you jealous.
* Search for what went wrong in your old relationship and do not bring this conversation up with your ex. Most people will find an answer after a certain amount of time passes and then you can start improving yourself. You cannot improve them as they need to do that by themselves. You were both guilty for a breakup because the relationship simply did not work, it takes 2 to tango!
* Go LC (low contact) or NC (no contact) for the time being and try not to be around for your ex if they need a shoulder to cry on. They will just use you for the comfort and will get back to their new lover once you soothed them. To do this you can make them clear you both need time apart and you can’t be friends with them. At least not now and you are not sure what the future holds. Bring it in a friendly way and keep it short for example by e-mail. If you stay around for your ex then their new lover will have an easier time to create a stable relationship with them as you are there to ease the lost feelings and get them through the initial phase. If they do seek any contact then do not talk about your old relationship or their new relationship and keep it short but always be friendly. But take your distance, in general people want to have what they can’t get.
* Work on yourself and improve yourself just as the normal advices go (Sports, hobbies, going out, family, a job, school, pick something up which you always wanted to do because you never had time for it and in general we call it ”Have a life”).
* Have the time of your life, you are single and you need to focus on yourself for the time being! Happy persons attract more people and with that I don’t mean you should live like a rock star and you would only go for sex / drugs, rock&roll (well it is your life but this would not bring you back to your ex)
* Remove anything which remind you of them in your house (pictures, presents, other belongings from your ex) and store them in a box out of sight. This will only inflict more pain because it brings up memories and thoughts about your ex and will only push you back. Store digital pictures from your phone / camera / pc on an external disk so you can’t watch them easily. There is no need to delete those stuff or throw them away as you could regret it later on.
* Never check out their profile websites such as Facebook, rather block them or delete them after you told them you 2 need time apart (depends on how your current situation is) You can keep them on your friends list but be prepared that you might get updates about their new life and this could hurt you. Just do not show how much if affects you because they might want to test your feelings and trigger a reaction from you. Just update your status as normal and show you are happy with your new life! You could also remove them from msn , yahoo messenger, Google+, Phone number(s), whatsapp, ping etc.(Store them somewhere on a note or on your computer for later use).
THE DON'TS
* As usual do not panic and do not act out of despair / stalk / beg / cry or plead, this would only push your ex further away. We are all human and I know you made some of these mistakes, we all do! It does not necessarily mean it is to late but you should stop with these mistakes right away, pick yourself up and control yourself.
* If he or she ever tells you about their new date or lover then never raise your voice or get angry at them as this would only drive them further in his or her arms. Do not interfere with their new relationship as this would only backfire and you would only fight an already lost battle.
* Do not blame your ex for any mistakes and do not make them feel guilty because this will not bring you 2 any closer! (if you already made some huge mistakes then you could make a sincere apology in a later stadium but not now when they are dating or when they are in a new relationship!) This will just justify the breakup, will not change the image about you and they continue want to move on.
* Do not get yourself in the friend’s zone as it would only decrease your chances in winning your ex back in a later on, they will get used with you around and will be able to eat both cakes. You are there for their comfort and they also got their new mysterious lover! Having a best friend and a new mysterious lover? Hell yeah the best of both worlds!….
* Do not try to convince them in any way (don’t tell them you are better compared to this new person; do not try to convince them this new relationship is no good for them). Jealousy is not a way to attract your ex back. Even if you know his or her new lover is no good for them then you can hardly penetrate their thoughts about this person and it will only backfire at you. Sometimes the more other people say something isn’t good for them the more they want it.
* Don’t tell your ex you have changed as they need to discover this by their self if the time is right. They already know the old you and when they see the new you = changes are attraction! (if in a positive way of course) Leave the bad habbits, did he or she dislike stuff you did or had? and all the usual advice. Yada yada new haircut, get fit / tone and a tan, new clothes “dress to impress”, be creative but don’t overdo it. Just be fabolous and stun them the next time they see you! So no need to show off and brag in words, they will see the difference.
* Do not sit at home and do nothing, GET OUT! You will only increase the time to heal and you will not evolve. Sitting sad at home will not bring your ex back in any way! You will only get into a downwards spiral of negative emotions. You will only get out of this emotional rollercoaster if you actually do something about it. Remember these fears in your mind are made by yourself and you can and will conquer them.
* Do not send any present or letter to your ex gf/bf, this will not work because they are in an emotional state right now, the NC time is needed to think rational again and you can start improving yourself for your own good. If you want to write a letter then do so but keep it to yourself! For some people it helps to write a letter and they will feel relieved. You can keep this letter so you can read it back later on and change it if you like. This will work like a journal to get through the initial stages from a breakup.
You probably made tons of mistakes already just like I did, this is quite normal and we are human after all! But so are they and they also made mistakes, it is not about pointing who is more guilty about the breakup but about forgiving each other and understanding what went wrong. A lot of people made these mistakes so you are not any different! Accept these mistakes and leave them behind, the past is the past and you have learned from them. Do not bring any of those mistakes up to your ex because it will just remind them of the bad days and he or she needs to remind the good days instead, but this just takes time (more then you think but patience is the key).
Realization-> the actual realization-> The crappy part->The rage-> The Crush-> Freedom
The stage of Freedom means you are ready to face them again because you are not emotional loaded anymore.
Let time pass and let things go with the flow, do not close the doors entirely but keep your eyes open for any smoke signals because if you can see smoke then there is fire somewhere! Just stay under the radar for the time being and when things go wrong they can reach out for you.
If they do come back after an amount of time and they search contact with you then do not jump in right away. Try to find out what their real purpose is and make a better connection step by step. Try to understand them and be the person that wants to listen to them. Play it cool and be your “new” self! Be happy and see if their new relationship isn’t what they expected it to be or maybe it is already broken. Play a little bit hard to get so the flame will not be killed instantly! Tease a bit but try to let your ex think as they hardly have a chance to get you back. If you turned the tables and they are not taking you for granted then you are on the good way. If they want you back as in a relationship then be sure you both evolved and you both know what the problems were in your old relationship. You both need to work for it and should not fight for it. Remember this process takes time and you need to hit the right buttons at the right time! They need to show more affection and interest a couple of times until you show something back as well.
Just always keep in mind that there is a possibility of rejection but you can increase your chances if you play your cards right! Of course I don’t want you to be heartbroken again, but if you really think you 2 are ment to be then you should actually have a plan for reconciliation. The chances will increase if you were mature all the way, your previous relationship was a long term relationship and you 2 share some nice memories. These advantages could benefit you above his or her rebound!
Real love never completely dissapears and could be reignited!
*re-read articles like this every week or every month to keep yourself focused on your goals and it will be easier to get through the initial stages of the breakup*
Succes stories are not always there on the internet because most people dissapear when they are back together. A lot of cases fail because most people are not hitting the right buttons but there is always a chance if you implement these steps right away. I’ve heard some succes stories and the time to get back together varies a lot. It could vary from weeks to months to years. So being patient can deliver you great results but remember to move on meanwhile, evolve and improve yourself.
Do not stare yourself blind to one outcome, place yourself on a pedestal and make yourself the priority.
Thanks for reading and I tried to sum up as much as possible and probably i still missed some things out… but any additional information / thoughts / indiffirences / other opinions are appreciated.
My english is not perfect, but i am not perfect either!
Last update February 4 2013.
~ Shame on you if you fool me once! Shame on me if you fool me twice! ~
Feel free to post any comment below or a private mail if you want to keep it private and want me to look into your situation.
Update about my situation: It took a total of 10 months for me to recover my heart, fully evolve, accept the situation, be happy with myself and be able to talk with her again on a normal level. I found out she met a new guy and are living together. I am happy for her and I can say I accept the way it is. After all this time I don’t even want her back as my girlfriend anymore and I am totally happy with it. I do want her in my life as just a girlfriend with a special place so we can communicate now and then. It does not even hurt me while seeing she is happy with this new guy, else it would be an obsession and jealousy, I am happy I am not like that and I became a much stronger person in the end. All this experience made me less sensitive, because I was just a bit too sensitive. My lesson in the end was, enjoy life but stand your ground when you have your opinion or when you think differently. Give your reasons and have a mature conversation because a healthy relationship involves with healthy communication and be open about everything to your partner. The trust you create with this is essential for long lasting relationships. This was my main problem and love blinded me so I didn’t see this and I didn’t want to communicate about these issues, I thought if I am happy then she must be happy also. All this experience will help to create a better you for your next relationship(s). Nothing is guaranteed in life so take it day by day and be happy with what you have instead of being sad or hurt about the things we don’t have. Cherish the past and embrace it but do not stay in the past with your mind as it will set you back and slow your process to heal. You will learn from everything in life and should use this experience for future purpose even if it is a negative experience. Eventually try to keep your head up because it is actually a waste of time to grief. Although grieve ness is human and you are able to give the negative emotions a place so you can conquer them and what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!
So... what do you think? please leave a comment below
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