1. Not-Yet-Fallen women wear cardigans, buttoned-up, to symbolise their prurience. Enter Ana, buttoned up, to meet Mr Grey.
2. Ana bears a strong resemblance to Anne Hathaway in the Devil Wears Prada; and, in fact, Christian Grey's office is very like Meryl Streep's inner sanctum. It is the greatest missed opportunity of the decade that Meryl Streep was not also cast to play Christian Grey – only she has the poise to pull it off.
3. Christian Grey, when he appears, has a desk-chair posture quite like Don Draper's in Mad Men; however, the view from his window is much, much better. It wouldn't do to be outdone.
4. "I want control in all things. I don't do romance. My tastes are very...singular." Christian Grey whispers like the voiceover of a perfume advertisement, possibly for "Eau de Violent Undertones". His mid-phrase pauses are so hammy they are worthy of Bill Nighy.
5. Then the fall. Ana symbolically ditches her cardigans in favour of outfits that say "Showgirl Works Casual": notably, a sparkly sequin mini-bolero.
6. Sex with props is much too serious to laugh about. Or smile about. So nobody, smiles, ever.
7. Christian Grey doesn't simply look cross the whole time, he looks startled.
9. Christian Grey's headboard (no doubt an industrial model) has the deepest padding of any headboard, ever.
11. The only fitting colours for a modern, chic, sexually charged upholstery and wallpaper are blue, bluey grey, grey-y blue and greige.
12. Christian Grey doesn't punch "like a girl" – he even includes an over-compensatory run-up.
IN PICTURES: Fifty Shades of Grey, the trailer
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