Like everyone else, I was intrigued by The New York Times' recent Modern Love column, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" and felt compelled to share it on Facebook. In it, University of British Columbia writing professor Mandy Len Catron explains a 1997 study conducted by Arthur Aron, PhD, a professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, where two people were instructed to ask one another 36 increasingly intimate and very specific questions.
They were then told to look into each other's eyes for a set amount of time. The practice was supposed to make you fall in love. By trying this herself, Catron actually did fall in love, as did several subjects in the original study. I get that asking questions provides an opportunity to get to know someone on a very intimate level and I have no doubt that that opportunity could lead to two humans experiencing the beginning stages of romantic love. They just weren't the right questions for me.
Here is a smattering: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
I have a friend who started playing around with these questions with her husband on their monthly date night. They got through the first few and gave up, bored out of their minds. Another pal of mind tried it on a first date (her judgment is questionable) and two-thirds down the list she decided she didn't really care about any of the answers.
I am going to admit something monumentally embarrassing right now: On my first date with my last long-term boyfriend, B, we actually played a game that involved taping beer bottles to our hands until we finished them. We were young and silly and frankly it ended up being a great time. But, during the first time we were ever alone together, we were forced to talk and stare at one another for more than the hour it took for me to finish my beverage (#lightweight). We dated for the next two years.
For me, the exercise of asking questions is futile unless it is personalized. Asking canned questions is about falling in love in a passive sense. What we can learn from this column isn't that there is some magic formula for falling love that involves asking very specific questions, creepily staring at someone, and sprinkling fairy dust on them. What we should walk away with is that we need to ask questions, even the hard ones, early on in a relationship, maybe even on that first date. Not only does it breed the intimacy you want in a relationship but it alsof lets you know if that person is the right person for you. By creating your own questions you are attempting to fall in love in a very active way.
And so I propose a better list. I propose my list and your list and his list and her list. Assuming that there is one list is assuming that everyone falls in love the same way.
These are the 36 questions I want to know the answers to before I fall in love. Like the questions in the original study, they become more intimate and probing as they go on.
- What makes you laugh like a fool? When was the last time you did it?
- If you could buy a one way ticket anywhere in the world and never come back, where would it be and why?
- If you had to make up an adorable nickname for me right now, what would it be?
- Does drinking three glasses of wine make you happy or sad?
- Do you think the New England Patriots owe it to the rest of the teams to make Tom Brady tone it down a little bit?
- If you could travel around the world with me to five destinations, where would they be?
- When was the last time you pretended to laugh at something that wasn't funny at all? Why did you do it?
- Where do you see yourself at age 83?
- What would you do if I got fat? Really fat.
- What do you like about women?
- Do you think dogs should sleep in beds?
- Can you name all of the sitting Supreme Court Justices?
- How do you feel about other people eating off your plate?
- What are your top three sexual fantasies?
- How do you react to the silent treatment?
- Do you think Back to the Future III is a valid part of the Back to the Future trilogy? Please explain: Why or why not?
- If you could have sex with any fictional character, who would it be and where would you do it?
- What do you love about yourself?
- Should Pluto be considered a planet? Please explain your decision.
- If you were going to commit murder, how would you do it and get away with it?
- What's the worst thing you've ever done?
- What three things keep you up at night? And don't say "world peace."
- What is your strategy for when the zombie apocalypse happens?
- What do you watch/think about when you masturbate?
- How do you think your mother fucked you up?
- If you believe God exists, why does he or she let so much suffering happen in the world?
- When have you really suffered?
- What are the five things you need a partner to give you?
- What do you hate about yourself?
- What do you lie about?
- Explain what you think love actually means, without saying any of these things: putting someone before me, completely and totally, falling, safe.
- What do you do when someone hurts you in a way that makes you feel it in your soul?
- What five values do you want to instill in your children and how were they instilled in you?
- What are your boundaries? Physical? Personal? Emotional?
- If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, which three people would you call and what would you tell them?
- What question do you need me to ask you?
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